


I dreamed a dream (or maybe not)

by pandabob



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, Oral Sex, Playoffs, Self-blaming, Stress Baking, non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-04 08:20:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15837420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandabob/pseuds/pandabob
Summary: Finals done and a few stories told to his parents and Bitty can finally head to Providence to support Jack in the playoffs.The Falcs making a deep enough run that he could be there in person to support Jack is all he's been hoping for over the last few weeks and now the time has come and he can't wait to do anything Jack want's him to if it helps him lift the cup.





	1. A terrible game.

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger info in end notes if you want to read those first.

The game had been a disaster, losing was always bad but losing in the playoffs and losing seven to one, when he hadn’t even been on the ice for the one solitary goal the team managed, when a win would have seen them resting for a few extra days before the final round instead of having to fly out to play another game was just too much to take. 

He wasn’t meant to fight, he was the skill that got the goals not the muscle that kept the other team in check but if he wasn’t going to score the least he could do was drop glove on the guy who interfered with their goalie for the sixth goal.

Stripping off his pads without care for what was going on in the rest of the room he left his gear all over the floor and stalked off to the showers hoping the water would wash away his anger before he went home, not that it worked at all.

“You coming out Zimmboni?” Tater asked as he walked back into the room, “Drown sorrows?”

“No!” he snapped and then took a breath, Tater was trying and Jack knew he had no right to take his anger out on him, “Bits should have arrived by now, I’m going home.”

A chorus of whoops went up around the room, “No need for beer to make you feel better when you’ve got a cute boy in your bed,” Snowy said with a grin as he slapped Jack on the shoulder and then walked away laughing, taking Tater with him.

_Hey sweetheart, sorry about the game, I’m waiting for you on your sofa, hopefully I can do something to cheer you up ;-)_

Jack smiled as he read the message, feeling himself calm and smile just slightly and he dressed quickly, almost running down the hall and out through the door to his car, eager to get home and work off his feelings in any way Bitty would let him.

 

***

 

Bitty stepped out into the sun and lifted his face up to it, closing his eyes and smiling as the warmth hit his face and all the tension left his body. His final exam of the year was done and now, given that he’d told a few white lies to his parents who thought he had another few weeks to do before he could fly home, he had time stretching out ahead of him and all he had to do in order to start enjoying it was to grab his rucksack from his room and jump on the evening bus to Providence. He couldn’t make Jack’s game, which was a shame, but now that he had a key for his apartment he could make it in time to be waiting to celebrate, or commiserate, with him by the time he made it home after.

_All done, can’t believe this year is over, only one more to go!_

_I’m proud of you Bits, can’t wait to see you, it’s going to be so good having you here for the rest of playoffs :-)_

_Just a few hours and then I’ll be there all the way for anything you need ;-)_

_I’m sure I’ll take you up on that ;-) see you after the game, safe trip._

_Love you._

The bus wasn’t until five thirty so Bitty took his time choosing just the right clothes to take with him, not that he didn’t have a closet full of things at Jack’s already, and then he grabbed his favourite pie dishes and rolling pin from the kitchen, shouted his goodbyes to whoever was making the banging noise that he was trying not to think too hard about in the basement and made his way to bus.

The third period was just starting when Bitty let himself into the apartment but he decided he couldn’t face watching it, they were five down already and he was sure that spending the time coming up with something to cheer Jack up would be far more sensible.

Slipping two apple pies, one with a maple syrup crust and one with a plain butter crust, into the oven Bitty ran down the hall to the bedroom to take a shower while they baked. Washing himself quickly he took a few minutes to shave his face and to tidy up other areas of his body and then, having stepped from the shower and slipped into one of Jack’s Falconers shirts he settled himself on the bed, grabbing the lube from the bedside table drawer, and spent a few minutes preparing himself for when Jack got home.

After a bad game Jack was always eager to get his hands on Bitty and work through all the feelings inside him that he couldn’t seem to put into words and Bitty never argued, he liked the desperate possessiveness of it and he liked to know he was useful to Jack in the hard times as well and the good but, given how quickly things went from zero to sixty on a bad night he’d learnt to be prepared so as not to regret it in the morning.

The timer buzzed as he pulled on Jack’s favourite pair of his tiny shorts so he went back to the kitchen to remove both pie dishes from the oven and set then on the cooling rack and then he made his way to the couch, curling up in the corner to wait for Jack to arrive.

 

***

 

“Bits.” Jack came through the apartment door, dropping his bag against the wall as he pushed the door closed and spoke quietly, not wanting to wake the neighbours, but Bitty didn’t appear in the hall like he usually did when he was there so he wandered further into the apartment “Bits? Where are you?”

His nose took him to the kitchen first and he smiled at the still warm pie tins on the counter, leaning closer to take in the aroma. Bitty’s pies always made things feel better but they were both still too hot to eat so he’d have to find something else to do until they were ready.

“Bits,” Jack whisper shouted again and then listened for a response but there wasn’t a sound so he left the kitchen and made his way to the living room where he found Bitty curled up on the couch, knees up to his chest, facing towards the back, with the blanket from the back pulled down over him covering everything but his ass which was peeking out from under it and almost hanging over the edge of the seat.

Jack felt a flare of anger in his stomach, why was Bitty asleep? He was supposed to be here making him feel better after that bloody awful game not dreaming of somewhere else, or someone else. Less than half an hour ago he’d said he was waiting on the sofa to cheer Jack up, he’d promised to make today better. 

Moving closer Jack pulled back the blanket a little, reading his name on Bitty’s back and he ran his finger over the letters. Bitty didn’t move, bar a twitch in his cheek, and his breathing stayed regular and deep as Jack traced his name again and slipped down to his knees, adjusting his sweat pants as he pulled the blanket completely off Bitty and shuffled closer to his back, leaning closer, as he had with the pies, and taking in the smell of him.

His own autumn blast shower gel, mixed with the smell of shaving foam and something else, filled Jack’s lungs as he closed his eyes and breathed in slowly, leaning down to kiss Bitty’s neck, just below his ear. 

Bitty snuffled, moving his hand to bat Jack away as if he were a fly, and then he shuffled his position until he was almost lying on his belly, face pressed into the back cushion and ass in the air, Jack’s shirt sliding down his back and bunching together under his armpits. Jack ran his fingers over the heat of Bitty’s back, not quite touching him, and up over his ass, feeling the warmth as he resisted the urge to nip hard at the cheek and wake him up to keep his promise.

Leaning closer to his ass, baring his teeth and considering sinking them into the firm muscle now that he didn’t have to think about how it would be explained in the locker room, Jack caught another whiff of the aroma that was mixing with the shower gel and shaving foam and he grinned, his eyes widening as his heart rate increased and his cock began to swell in his pants as he identified it as the strawberry lube Bitty had left in his drawer last time he went back to Samwell.

“Well well,” Jack whispered, suddenly not quite sure he wanted to wake Bitty, “You got yourself ready for me hey bud?” Jacks’ fingers finally made contact with Bitty’s ass through his shorts as he stroked the flat of his hand over the firm curves of his left cheek a few times before he slipped his thumb under the hem of the shorts and up along the gap between his cheeks feeling the wet and slip of the lube as he ran his thumb around his hole.

 

***

 

The stress of studying, and the effect that that had had on his ability to sleep, hadn’t really been apparent to Bitty until the moment he sat on Jack’s couch and relaxed into the arm. It was like someone had flipped a switch in his body because he suddenly felt as if he’d played two overtime games in the last twenty four hours, his whole body feeling heavy and his eyes closing despite his efforts to keep them open. 

He considered coffee but the kitchen was a long way away and Jack would be home soon and as soon as they’d done whatever Jack needed to do to get the bad game out of his system he’d fall into bed, collapsing into a deep sleep, and the last thing he’d want would be Bitty keeping him awake due to excess caffeine. 

In the end the sensible solution seemed to be to nap. Pre-game napping was a thing they both understood and Jack always appreciated his efforts to be on top of his game when he got back so he positioned himself carefully on the couch, smoothing down his shirt so that Jack could read his name across his back the way he knew he liked, and tugged the blanket down over him to keep out the chill.

 

The touch was soft and warm and it tickled under his skin in the way that dream touches do, making his body roll, to settle on his stomach, his own fingers drawing shapes gently against the skin of his throat. Bitty knew Jack’s hands, the softness of the fingertips and the calluses of the palms, even in his dreams and how many dreams had he had about those hands in the last few busy weeks, alone in his bed and wishing he was feeling them, real and warm, against his skin. 

He recognised the sensation and settled into it, a smile on his lips as his body pushing back into the touch but then there was something new, a sound and a sensation he didn’t remember experiencing in his dreams before and Bitty moved his knees a little, widening his hips and leaning his chest further into the bed as the bed moved under him, a weight settled over his back and something warm and hard and not quite skin pressed against his relaxed, slick, hole.

Bitty’s whole body stiffened, his eyes flew open, eyelashes flicking against the couch cushion as they opened to almost darkness and a very close up view of leather. He forced himself to take a slow breath, relaxing his body back down, as if still sleeping, and bit the inside of his mouth to stop himself from shouting as something, or as his brain tried to supply, someone, slid their way inside him in one long thrust of their hips, hands tight around his waist and weight resting over his body holding him face down into the cushion.

 

***

 

“You’re so good to me Bud, lying here just waiting for me,” Jack rocked his hips, watching as his cock pulled half the way out of Bitty’s ass before he pushed back in, burying himself to the hilt. “Snowy was right about not needing beer when I’ve such a cute boy waiting to take care of me at home.” Jack rocked his hips again this time a little shallower, leaning his weight down over Bitty and stroking his hair.

“You always know what I need Bud” Jack kept moving his hips, thrusting in and out of Bitty’s pliant sleeping body, “I’m so lucky, you got yourself ready so good for me, knew just what I needed after my game.” He thrust harder, increasing his pace, his breathing becoming erratic as he rested heavy along his back and kept talking into Bitty’s ear, kissing him gently on the nape of his neck and licking up and down his spine. “Do you know how much I love you, how much I love the way you look after me, how you know just exactly what I need and when I need it?”

Jack groaned, long and loud, as he thrust into Bitty one last time, gripping his hips hard and pulling him back against him as he came deep inside him and then pulled them both over, collapsing sideways to lie on the sofa wrapping his arms around Bitty, holding him close against his chest as his heart rate settled, his breathing slowed and his cock softened, slipping from Bitty’s body.

“I don’t know how you stayed asleep through that Bits,” Jack kissed and nibbled at the side of Bitty’s neck, “But that was the best idea you’ve ever had, you make me feel better after my game and you catch up on your sleep after working so hard on your exams. I’m so proud of you Bud and so fucking lucky to have you.”

Jack lay holding Bitty and tracing gentle circles across his stomach until he began to feel sleepy and yawned. “Come on you.” He climbed to his feet with a stretch and then reached down to pick Bitty up bridal style, “Let’s get you to bed, you must be exhausted if you’re sleeping through the best sex we’ve had in months.”

 

***

“It’s Jack, It’s Jack, It’s Jack.” Bitty’s brain supplied in a desperate attempt to stop him panicking at the tight grip on his hips and the slide of a not quite right feeling cock in his ass and it worked, in so much as his body stayed relaxed and made no attempt to fight. He closed his eyes, images of himself curled up like a baby on the ice after a check filling his mind as he tried his best to control his breathing and pretend that he was still asleep.

“He thinks you planned this,” Bitty’s brain continued to talk to him, “you told him you were waiting for him, you promised to make him feel better and listen to him, he’s happy, you’re giving him what he needed, he loves you for just knowing what he needs.” His eyes stung with tears as he clenched them closed against the cushion, breathing slowly through his nose and listening to Jack tell him how much he loved him while he pinned his sleeping form to the couch and did exactly what he chose to do without any resistance at all.

Lying in Jack’s arms as he came down from his orgasm, listening to him tell him how proud he was of him and how lucky he was to have him while gently holding him just as he’d done a hundred times before Bitty tried not to cry, he tried not to pull away, to curl in on himself and away from Jack. He tried to relax and to remember that he’d done a good thing; he’d made himself ready for whatever Jack needed after the game and he’d told him he was waiting for him. 

His plan had worked, Jack was happy now, breathing contentedly against him and settling ready to sleep, he’d done a good job and he should be proud of himself not be feeling sick to his stomach, trying not to cry and wishing he could make his way to the shower without having to speak to Jack. 

His only choice now though was to stay still, keep his eyes closed and allow Jack to use his strength, his extra weight and his muscle, to pick him up like the tiny doll he was and carry him upstairs, tuck him under the covers and then fall asleep next to him leaving him with a long night of staring at the ceiling trying to make his body, his brain and his stomach believe that this was all his idea in the first place.


	2. What you prepared for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly if any/all/some form of non-con might bother you in any way save yourself now and click back :-) 
> 
> some possible trigger info for this chapter in end notes.

“Morning Bud.” Jack stretched his arms above his head and yawned widely before he rolled over, smiled at Bitty and ran his hand across his stomach over his shirt. “Thanks for last night,” Jack leaned down and kissed Bitty’s forehead, then the tip of his nose and then a quick gentle kiss on the lips. “I’m going for a run; I’ll see you when I get back.”

“Okay Honey,” Bitty scrubbed at his eyes with his palms, “I’ll make omelettes for when you’re done.”

“Thanks,” Jack leant down to kiss him again and then rolled away, getting out of bed and grabbing his running gear from the chair by the door as he passed through it and closed it carefully behind him. 

Jack knew Bitty had been studying hard for his exams and he’d been baking up a storm keeping everyone else in the house fed and motivated as well as staying up to talk after games and celebrate Jack’s success through the first two rounds and the first three games of this series so he was happy to let him sleep a little longer while he pounded the streets and prepared himself for the painful process of practice and tape review before their flight this afternoon.

***

 

There was a clock ticking, except that there wasn’t a clock in the room so maybe it wasn’t a clock, maybe it was his heartbeat? Or maybe not, maybe he was just imagining the ticking. He took a breath, counting slowly in his head, one two three four, and then let it out again counting slowly to five and then he did it again, concentrating on counting and trying to stop his mind wandering. One Two Three Four, one two three four five. One two three four, one two three four five. One two three four, one two three four five.

He kept his eyes closed, imagining his mother’s kitchen, the row of pans hanging on the left side wall and the beautiful serving dishes on the shelves to the right. He thought about the stove with a pan of fruit simmering on it, the counters covered in flour and pastry and his mama, waving a rolling pin in her hand as she gestured around the kitchen smiling and telling him something funny. Finally feeling calm he opened his eyes hoping to see her and then closed them again when the darkness hit him and tears began to burn in his eyes again. How could he dare think of his mother right now when he’d lied to her in order to put himself right where he was?

 

Jack’s alarm buzzed against the mattress, a silent alarm that Jack had been thoughtful enough to buy so as not to disturb him in the mornings, and the bed moved as Jack rolled over and cuddled in next to him, splaying his large hand, warm and heavy across his stomach and kissing him gently like he did whenever they had chance in an early morning.

Bitty felt a smile on his lips, although he wasn’t sure what part of his brain was directing it to be there, and he opened his eyes to look at Jack, his heart swelling almost as much as his stomach lurched when he saw Jack looking back at him, eyes shining bright, full of the same warmth and love that he saw there every morning.

The offer to make breakfast was automatic, his mouth speaking while the distant, tired, exhausted part of his brain, that hadn’t slept a moment since he’d been carried to the bedroom last night, tried desperately to grasp at something that made sense.

 

Staying still and listening carefully Bitty tracked Jack’s movements around the apartment, listening as he pulled on his clothes just outside the bedroom door and then jogged down the hall to the kitchen. The fridge opened with a soft click as he retrieved his cold bottle from the shelf and then it clicked shut again before footsteps covered the last few paces to the door, the lock clunking shut as he pulled it closed and Bitty felt like a dam had broken with the click of the lock as tears fell from his eyes and his whole body began to shake.

Bitty shook and cried and wrapped his arms around himself for a few long minutes before he suddenly came back to himself, calm descending over him again, and he got out of bed in search of the shower and some clean clothes.

Stacking three thick books in a pile less than a foot behind the bedroom door Bitty balance the jar that Jack kept on the desk to throw the coins in his pocket into each night on top of the pile and then he grabbed a change of clothes from his bag, switched the shower up as hot as he could stand it, picked up the brush and soap and began to scrub himself clean.

The lack of sticky come on his ass and thighs took Bitty by surprise for a second, maybe it’d been a dream? Maybe he’d imagined what had happened, maybe he’d been awake all night panicking about something that he’d made up in his head but no, just a few minutes ago Jack had thanked him for last night and he hadn’t done anything else that he could remember so they must have. They must have had sex on the couch, his memory must be real. He shook his head, trying to shake up his thoughts and reorder them in a way that made sense and then a noise, the unexpected noise from last night reran through his brain and the not quite skin sensation inside him ghosted back to him.

“A condom!” He said out loud, scrubbing the heel of his hand against his forehead, “the noise was a condom.” 

As a rule they didn’t use condoms anymore, they’d both been tested, they were exclusive and it wasn’t as if they were going to end up with accidental babies so they didn’t bother unless they were trying not to make a mess somewhere.

Bitty heaved at that thought, glad that he hadn’t had breakfast yet, because the thought that struck him, sudden and like a punch to the guts, was whether this had happened before, some other time when he was asleep? He’d have known if it had happened without any preparation, probably, but what if they’d had sex before sleep and then Jack had woken in the night looking for something else? Would he have known? Would it have woken him? Had this happened before?

“Don’t be ridiculous Bittle.” He said out loud, looking through the shower cubical glass and staring himself in the eye in the mirror. “nothing happened last night, nothing that you didn’t want to happen, nothing you didn’t get yourself ready for and tell him was on offer, so pull yourself together!” 

He looked at himself for a long moment and then smiled at his own reflection, “Nothing you didn’t get ready for, you made your boy feel better Bittle, job well done.” He grinned at himself and then focused on maintaining his smile as he towelled off, got dressed, put the books and coin bucket away and made his way to the kitchen to start breakfast.

 

***

 

Settling into his seat on the bus and pulling his earbuds from his pocket Jack tapped out a quick message telling Bitty that they were on their way to the airport and passing on the thanks from the rest of the team for the pies they’d shared to take the edge off the horror that had been tape review and then he flicked through to the travel playlist Bitty had made for him before the playoffs began and closed his eyes as he rested against the window.

The joy of private planes, and the relatively tiny distance between the two top teams in the eastern conference, was that the journey wasn’t too long and before it was even dark outside they’d had team dinner and settled into their room and Jack and Tater were sat side by side on Jack’s bed watching through the computer screen as Bitty slowly kneaded pastry on the counter.

“You make good pie when nervous B,” Tater grinned and spoke with a smile in his voice, “but B look tired, you have big night last night?” Tater jabbed Jack in the ribs with his elbow and laughed as Jack blushed and Bitty turned away from the camera, stirring a pan of something on the stove.

“Leave him alone” Jack nudged Tater in the shoulder and laughed, “He can get all the sleep he needs tonight can’t you Bits?”

“Yes Honey, you two should get yourselves off to sleep to, big game tomorrow.”

“Don’t stay awake late B,” Tater leaned forward, closer to the screen, “Zimmboni need you to help him celebrate tomorrow.” 

“Leave him alone,” Jack laughed and pushed Tater’s shoulder with much more force than a nudge, knocking him off the side of the bed.

“Okay Okay,” Tater laughed as he picked himself up off the floor, “Sorry B, Sorry. We sleep now.”

“Yeah Bits,” Jack turned back to the screen and smiled warmly at Bitty, “We better sleep now, see you tomorrow yeah, I’ll try not to wake you if you’re asleep.” He winked and grinned at the screen and Bitty smiled back.

“Night Jack.”

 

***

 

Providence were four one up with just three minutes to go in the third and Bitty was pacing around the living room, carrying his fifth cup of coffee of the day, watching the clock tick down as the whole team skated hard and defended their blue line with speed and, at times, force. He’d slept almost twelve hours last night, he’d stacked the books and tub behind the bedroom door before he went to bed, and he’d pulled on his own Samwell jersey and joggers rather than wearing any of Jack’s shirts, but he was alone in the apartment for the first time in quite a while and he’d had every right to feel a little nervous.

The puck went top shelf over Snowy at just under two minutes to go and Bitty stumbled, spilling his coffee over the side of his cup and over his hand, “Shit! Ow!” He ran to the kitchen, put the cup down in the sink and then ran back to the living room, climbing on to the couch arm, feet on the seat, and wrapped his arms around his calves, resting his chin on his knees.

The final ninety seconds, when whatever Providence tried they couldn’t take advantage of the empty net, ticked by slowly until suddenly with the blare of the horn the game was over, Providence had taken the series in five and they were going to the Stanley cup final.

On the TV Jack was grinning and hugging Tater, who was smiling almost disbelievingly back at him, and then they were lost in a mound of players, pushed against the boards screaming at each other hugging, and crashing helmets with Snowy, and Bitty grabbed his phone, knowing Jack wouldn’t see it for a while but sending the message anyway as he watched the trophy ceremony.

_Congratulations baby, so proud of you._

The team disappeared into the locker room not long after, they’d picked the trophy up, despite the superstition, but they weren’t intending to celebrate it, that had been agreed one late night before the playoffs even began when the guys had been quizzing Jack about his childhood memories of his dad’s successes, so Bitty expected Jack home in a little under three hours which gave him just enough time to bake a dozen pies, enough to cover each of the guys favourite flavours, for the celebratory team lunch tomorrow that Jack had allowed as a concession in regard to celebration.

 

***

 

“Bits” Jack whisper shouted as he came through the front door and then he stopped dead, mouth falling open as Bitty stepped out of the kitchen wearing a tiny little apron and very little else, a beautifully latticed mini apple pie in his hand, and winked at him.

“Yes honey,” Bitty smiled his widest, sexiest smile and Jack’s heart thumped hard in his chest.

“My god you’re sexy when you’re naked baking Bud.” He moved closer, eyes locked with Bitty’s until he was almost within touching distance. “I wished you were there, wished you were in the crowd, I’ve been dreaming about kissing you since the buzzer went.” Jack put his hand on Bitty’s waist, feeling the soft warmth of his skin under his fingers, and winked as he slipped to his knees and kissed his way down his abs over his apron.

The muscles of Bitty’s abs and ass tightened as Jack dragged his fingers slowly over his back and then cupped the cheeks of his ass, warm and tight in his hands, and traced his kisses down his abs and along the soft skin of his hip. “Fuck Bits,” Jack breathed against his skin and nosed at the edge of his apron, “Can I? Can I please? I’ve been thinking about sucking your dick since the buzzer went.”

“Really.” Bitty threaded his fingers into Jack’s hair and pulled until he was leaning back, balancing himself by gripping tighter at Bitty’s ass, and looking up at him “I never would have guessed.” Bitty smiled down at him as he twisted his fingers just a little, tightening the grip in his hair and causing Jack to moan.

“Please.” He knew he was begging but he loved being on his knees and tonight, after such an amazing game, Bitty in his mouth, pushing into his throat, making him lightheaded and blanking out his brain was something he needed to his very core. “Please bud.”

Bitty twisted his hand a little further and stepped back slowly, walking himself back against the hall wall next to the table, where he could drop the pie from his hand, and forcing Jack to shuffle on his knees to keep contact with him. “Hands off my ass and on the wall Honey.”

Jack took a breath, feeling his stomach leap and his heart rate increase as he did as he was told, laying his palms flat against the wall either side of Bitty’s hips, and licked his lips as Bitty softened the grip on his hair and a moment later the apron dropped to the floor. “Can I?”

“As long as you don’t move your hands from the wall you can do anything you want with that mouth.” Bitty winked and then groaned loudly, thumping his head against the wall behind him as Jack swallowed him down and went to work with his tongue,

***

 

“I never thought.” Bitty moaned, “I never thought this was how this would go.” 

His toes curled into the carpet as Jack rocked back, slowly pulling off his cock and running his tongue around the head, “I love you Bud,”

“I know,” Bitty said quietly and shut his eyes, bringing his hand up to cover his face and trying to relax the sudden tension in his body. “I just never.” He cut himself off when Jack sank back down onto his cock, sucking, licking and swallowing around him until he couldn’t think of anything and just allowed himself to feel Jack around him and to settle into the sensation.

Jack didn’t move his hands from the wall, he made no attempt to touch him other than with his mouth and when Bitty put his fingers back into his hair and pushed his hips forward, pushing his cock deeper into his throat, he only seemed to get more into it and Bitty settled into the normality of it, the feeling of being worshipped by the man he loved and suddenly, almost like a wave breaking on the beach, he came deep in Jack’s throat as Jack swallowed and moaned around him until his cock softened and slipped from his mouth.

“That was hot,” Bitty sank to his knees and reached his hand towards Jack’s pants but Jack caught his wrist and pulled him into his lap instead, kissing him gently.

“You’re gorgeous Bits and I’m lucky as fuck to get to come home to you and to get to do that.”

“You going to let me return the favour Honey?” Bitty felt a sudden spike of anxiety in his chest and he didn’t really know why. “You deserve something after the game you just played.”

“Not right now,” Jack smiled warmly and kissed his lips, moving down to kiss his neck and shoulders. “Right now I just want to take you to bed and sleep. I’ve missed you Bud.”

Bitty felt a shiver through his veins and his breathing stopped as he tried not to tense up at the thought of going to bed, to sleep next to Jack, before he knew that Jack had, at least, come once. 

“But you won baby.” Bitty moved in Jack’s lap, rubbing his ass against Jack’s cock through his pants, “You should celebrate.”

“Honestly Bud,” Jack wrapped his arms around Bitty and pushed himself up from the floor, cradling Bitty in his arms and carrying him down the hall to the bedroom, “I really just want to sleep.”

***

“I’ve got to see the trainer in the morning.” Jack stripped off his clothes and crawled into bed next to Bitty. “I think I’ll jog in and back then I can call it training,” he stretched his hands above his head, wincing slightly at the tightness in his shoulder, “Then we can do something after team lunch maybe?”

“What were you thinking,” Bitty curled up on his side facing Jack, leaning his head on his hand.

“A film? A walk? Dinner?” Jack rolled over to look at Bitty reaching out his hand and resting it on his hip, “We could skate if you brought yours with you?”

“Are we watching the game? See who makes it through?”

Jack rolled away, lying on his back with his hands under his head, fingers laced together. “We can if you want, I know you’re rooting for Kenny, I just hope you’ll be able to choose the right side in the final.” Jack laughed when he caught the scandalised look on Bitty’s face.

“Don’t you accuse me of anything Mr Zimmermann, it was you who wanted me to follow his stuff because you didn’t want him to know you cared, we don’t talk much and you two are friends now anyway.”

“I’m only kidding Bud,” Jack grinned and rolled closer again, tickling gently at Bitty’s ribs. “We should watch the game; it’ll be good prep for the final.”

“Eyes on the final already!” Bitty laughed and rolled his eyes dramatically.

“Not just yet.” Jack yawned widely and pulled Bitty closer, encouraging him to turn around and settle against his chest, and wrapped in his arms around him. “Right now I have my eyes only on sleep.”

***

The caffeine was keeping him awake; it had to be the caffeine that was the only thing that made sense. He lay as still and quietly as he could, counting slowly to keep his breathing in check as he focused on the warmth of Jack’s hand that splayed across his belly and the gently gusts of air against the back of his neck as Jack slept peacefully, curled around his back, and he tried desperately to ignore the feel, or imagined feel he wasn’t really sure which, of Jack’s cock hard against the cheeks of his ass.

The clock on the bedside table said seven and Bitty watched as the minutes ticked by until Jack’s alarm buzzed at seven fifteen at which point he closed his eyes and did his very best impression of being asleep while desperately trying not to be sick as Jack wrapped himself tighter around his back, kissing his neck and making it very clear that the cock between his cheeks was in no way a figment of his imagination. After a long terrifying moment Jack squeezed him tighter for a second and then rolled away and got out of bed.

Having got dressed in his training gear Jack walked back to the bed and leaned down to kiss Bitty on the cheek “I’ll be a couple of hours Bud,” He kissed him again gently, “you get your beauty sleep,” and then he left the room quietly, pulling the door closed behind him.

Bitty lay still, hardly breathing, as he listened to Jack moving around the apartment and, after what seemed like forever, the front door finally clicked shut, Jack on the outside of it, and Bitty almost jumped out of bed, piling the books and tub behind the door before he ran to the bathroom to have a wee and wash his face and then he set his alarm for ninety minutes and crawled back into bed, pulling the sheets up high around himself and breathing deeply into the pillow as his eyes closed and he finally drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'consensual' sex without any discussion of what happened
> 
> sleeplessness and self blame


	3. stress baking

_Good Game Zimms, we’ll get you in game two though ;-) K_

_You take defeat better than you used to :-D Z_

_Not a real defeat until it matters Zimms, not the first playoff game I’ve lost! Still won a couple of cups ;-)_

_You aren’t winning this one, this one’s mine._

_Long way to go yet Zimms ;-) say hi to your boy for me, see you on the ice. K_

_Will do, see you at the dot. Z_

 

“What you smiling at Honey?” Jack was led on the couch, his head resting on Bitty’s thigh and Bitty playing with his hair, as he text back and forward with Kent and tried to relax down from the game.

“Just Kenny being Kenny.” Jack smiled and reached up to pull Bitty down for a long slow kiss

Bitty’s hand moved from his hair and traced its way down his chest, fingers plucking at his left nipple through his shirt as he passed, causing Jack to gasp into his mouth and drop his phone on the floor. 

“Trying to distract me from Kenny Bits?”

“Not exactly,” Bitty sat up slightly and moved his hand to tweak at his right nipple, “I just thought we could have some fun with the extra energy you seem to have before you fall back into playoff mode.”

“Could we,” Jack rolled slightly towards Bitty so he could look up at him, “Can we just cuddle, I like it when you play with my hair, when you just touch and cuddle me. The game was crazy; I didn’t know it would feel like this, I don’t really have energy for anything else.”

“Of course we can baby,” Bitty returned his fingers to Jack’s hair massaging small circles at the nape of his neck, and Jack relaxed back against him, closing his eyes and breathing in the warmth and scent of him.

 

***

“Come on” Bitty lifted his thigh slightly and nudged at Jack’s head, “You’re falling asleep baby, go get yourself to bed.”

Jack rolled towards Bitty, burying his face in his abs and reaching his arms around him to pull him closer as he whined, “I don’t want to move.”

“Million dollar bodies don’t sleep on the couch when they have thousand dollar beds just down the hall.” Bitty laughed as he ruffled Jack’s hair and pushed gently on his shoulder to get him to let go, trying desperately to keep his jovial tone, and relaxed body, when Jack tightened his hold and pulled closer instead of rolling away.

“Don’t want to!”

“Mr Zimmermann,” surnaming Jack used to be a joke but for the last few days the tone it allowed him to use was the only way he had to cover the panic and almost anger he felt whenever Jack got too close without invite. “You have six more games to play in the next fortnight, you need your sleep.”

“Not going to take that many,” Jack whispered into his stomach and then turned his head to look up at him and grin, “we haven’t needed seven yet.”

“Maybe not,” Bitty felt his stomach flip; he desperately wanted this series to be over in four. He didn’t want them to lose any games and then he wanted it to be over and to get back to none playoff Jack, Jack who loved him, cared for him and treated him like some sort of trophy that he felt lucky to have, “but you’ve more chance of that if you sleep properly.” 

“I guess,” Jack pouted up at him but finally he rolled away and stood up, offering his hand to Bitty, “You coming with me?”

Taking Jack’s hand and allowing himself to be pulled to his feet Bitty smiled and kissed his cheek, “I’ll tuck you in,” he kissed him again and slipped his arm around his back encouraging him towards the door, “I have a few things to finish in the kitchen but I’ll join you as soon as I can.”

Bitty could feel his heart racing and pulsing in his jaw and behind his eyes as he spoke but Jack just smiled at him, “You’re too good to me, doing all the cooking and looking after me. I promise I’ll take care of you after the cup.” 

“Don’t worry Honey; I know things will go back to normal soon.” Bitty concentrated on his breathing, remembering all the skills he’d perfected as a boy when the only advice anyone had given him in dealing with his fears was to not let the bullies see that he cared, and he internally congratulated himself on keeping his voice calm as he spoke. “Come on.”

It didn’t take Jack long to strip and slide into bed and Bitty sat on the edge, playing with his hair and whispering quietly to him until his breathing levelled out, his body relaxing under his touch, and then he made his way to the kitchen to wash up from supper. 

 

With the dishes cleaned he put together a soup for tomorrow’s lunch, baking some bread rolls to go with it, made two pies for Jack to take to morning skate (blueberry at coach’s request) and a small batch of consolation cookies that Jack had grudgingly agreed to leave at the rink for the Aces after Kent had tweeted Bitty to beg for them if they lost.

It was nearly midnight when he started cooking but he hadn’t been up until almost lunchtime, taking the excuse of Jack being out of the house early for training to have a long lie in after another broken and almost none existent night’s sleep, so he wasn’t really tired and getting lunch sorted for tomorrow would avoid any chance of an argument if he slept too late to make anything decent in the morning. 

Bitty crawled into bed at just after five and curled up in the small space Jack had left for him on his side of the bed. Looking at Jack, his face relaxed and soft in sleep, Bitty smiled to himself at the wonder of him. Jack was everything Bitty had never dared dream he could have, he was beautiful, he was clever, he cared about him and helped him to be better, he was famous and fantastic and one of the best hockey players in the world and, watching him sleep, Bitty could never quite work out why he’d been the one lucky enough to steal his heart.

He mused on the thought, using it to drag himself away from the thoughts of his parents who he’d lied to about being here, the Samwell frogs who he’d not really taken the time to know properly outside of the rink because he was in Providence whenever he could find the time and from Ransom, Holster, Lardo and Shitty who he hadn’t really heard from since his finals because they called Jack’s phone whenever they wanted to talk now that they were both together. Suddenly Jack’s alarm vibrated against the bed a few inches away from him and Jack opened his eyes and smiled warmly at him. “Morning Bud.” 

“Morning Honey,” Jack pushed up and Bitty leaned towards him to share a quick early morning kiss, “Have fun at the rink,” he stretched and yawned, rubbing his eyes, “Coaches pies are on the island and Kent’s cookies are on top.” He fixed his eyes on Jack, “Do not eat Kent’s cookies, he begged hard for them.”

“I won’t,” Jack laughed, “They’re his consolation cookies, eating them might be bad karma.”

“It might just.” Bitty grinned and Jack kissed him again and then got out of bed.

 

***

 

“You sleep all morning B?” Bitty startled at Tater’s voice as he walked into the kitchen ready to make lunch, “You keep him up all night Zimmboni?” Bitty laughed lightly and Tater grinned at him.

“Nothing to do with me,” Jack laughed and put his hand on Bitty’s back, pulling him in for a kiss. “He was up baking those pies you’ve been eating all morning and some consolation cookies for Kent weren’t you Bud.”

“That’s right,” Bitty moved towards the stove, “I also made soup and bread which I assume you’re planning to eat Mr Mashkov.”

Jack laughed, “You’re in big trouble if you’re being Mr’d already Tater.”

“Don’t you start Mr Zimmermann,” Tater barked out a laugh as Jack held up his hands in surrender. “Go and wash up the pair of you, lunch will be ready by the time you boys have set the table”

 

“B really bake all night and sleep all morning?” Tater asked as they made their way down the hall to the bathroom, “he still think college?”

“He’s always been a night baker when he’s anxious, feeding people helps him relax and he might as well sleep while we skate if it helps him cope.”

“No bake in hotel, he come to Vegas yes?”

Jack tipped his head and grinned at Tater, “Oh yeah, he’s coming, Papa’s booked a two bedroom suite with a full kitchen, don’t worry he’s being taken care of.”

“Is good he have your parents.”

“I think they like him more than me but maybe that’s a pie thing.” Jack laughed

“His pie very good.” Tater nodded seriously and then smirked “Almost as good as your hockey.”

“Yeah,” Jack said walking back into the hall and heading for the kitchen, “the only problem is he has pie AND good hockey.”

 

*** 

 

“Two down, just two more to go!” Bob wrapped his arms around Bitty’s waist and picked him up, swinging him around like a child, “Half way there.” 

Bitty smiled as Bob put him down and Alicia leant down and kissed him on the cheek, “He’s doing well but he won’t thank us for mentioning it Sir, not till it’s done.”

“You’re right,” Alicia put her arm around his shoulder and cuddled him close to her side, “he’s lucky to have you looking after him,” she nodded towards Bob whose smile had slipped slightly from his face. “Bob forgets what it was like when he was playing, he’d have killed anyone who celebrated at two.”

“Yeah,” Bob nodded, looking sheepish, “don’t tell him I said that, just do whatever you do that makes him smile,” Bob winked and Bitty forced himself to smile back while swallowing over and over as his stomach tried to expel his dinner from his body.

“Robert!” Alicia snapped as she tightened her arm just slightly around Bitty and he had to work hard to resist the urge to turn into her side and wrap his arms around her waist as if she was his mother not Jack’s.

 

“Did Papa speak with Kenny before he left? I didn’t get chance, not that he’d have appreciated it if I’d tried.” Jack was driving them home from the rink while Bitty tapped away on his phone and sang along to the radio.

“I don’t think so, they left quickly, had to get to the airport, shall I ask him?” Bitty gestured with his phone, “He’s just asked for consolation peach and apricot pie when we get out there.”

Jack laughed, “Always trying his luck isn’t he? Will you have time?”

“I told him I would if I could but he should prepare for me not doing.” Bitty winked at Jack and laughed, “He says your dad text him but he hasn’t replied.”

“Is he not taking this one as well as the first?” Jack seemed to be glowing with mischief as he asked the question and Bitty tapped out another tweet to Kent.

_Jack wants to know if you’re taking the second harder than the first ;)_

He read the message to Jack who laughed and then said something that Bitty didn’t hear over the sound of blood rushing in his ears as he read Kent’s reply.

_We both know Jack takes defeats worse than anyone. Enjoy tonight Eric; he won’t be happy after the next one! K_

He gripped his phone in his right hand and squeezed tightly at his own thigh with his left, willing the shaking in his body to stop and his heart rate to settle and determinedly stopping himself from asking Kent what he meant by that. He couldn’t ask, certainly not on twitter, and he didn’t even really want to know what answer he’d get but an itch in the back of brain wondered if Kent would understand his current fear and confusion.

He gave himself a moment to recover and then forced himself to cough, as if he’d swallowed a fly or something, to settle his voice and then he lied to Jack. “I think he must have got fed up of talking to me.” He clicked his phone off and slipped it into his pocket while he pulled himself together properly and settled his best cheeky smile onto his face. “What’s the plan when we get home? You tired like the last game?”

Jack laughed, blushed and shook his head, “Not tired tonight Bud but nothing a good fucking won’t cure.”

 

*** 

 

“I’m going to go get cleaned up,” Jack wrapped his arms around Bitty from behind and kissed down his neck and along his shoulder, “I’ll be about fifteen.”

Bitty leaned his head back against Jack’s shoulder and bit gently at his ear, “I’ll box these up for tomorrow and be right there.”

“Thanks,” Jack kissed his neck again and then tapped him gently on the ass as he walked away, “I don’t know what I’d do without you Bud.”

 

A razor, some very hot water and lots of soap later Jack walked back into his bedroom, completely naked, and folded back the sheets, discarding the extra pillows onto the chair in the corner, before laying a large towel over the bed, positioning himself on it and waited for Bitty to arrive.

Keeping a hopeful eye on the door Jack stroked his cock slowly and gently while running his lube slicked fingers around his hole, bending his knee and lifting his leg slightly to give himself better access as he pushed two fingers in and worked to open himself up.

“I just need to,” Bitty stopped talking as he came through the door and his gaze landed on Jack, knelt on the bed with his ass in the air, skin shining and wet with lube. “I thought…”

“You thought what?” Jack smirked at him and beckoned him over to the bed, pulling him down next to him and kissing him.

“I didn’t think you meant this way round, I was just going to shower up for you.” 

“You don’t fuck me enough,” Jack kissed him again, this time with more force and feeling, “I love it, love having you inside me, I need to feel you so badly Bits.”

Bitty smiled warmly at him and pushed at his side, “roll over then, you know I like to see your face.”

Jack did as he was told and rolled over onto his back, watching Bitty as he stripped out of his clothes and stroking his cock just enough to feel it. “I got myself ready,” he almost whispered as Bitty climbed on to the bed, placing his feet either side of his hips.

“Is that not my job?” Bitty asked as he knelt down, moving his hips gently against Jack’s cock, “I like looking after you, making you feel good.”

“I know,” Jack pushed his hips up slightly, increasing the pressure of Bitty’s ass on his cock, but Bitty slid away down his thighs and brought his hand up to wrap around his cock instead, stroking it slowly. “I just wanted it quick today, not being nice to me, just fucking me.” Jack stopped talking as he lost control of his breathing just a little.

“Ah,” Bitty reorganised his position so that he was kneeling between Jack’s thighs, pushing them wide, and he brought their cocks together, wrapping his fingers around them both and thrusting his hips into his grip. “You want to come though? This isn’t one of your all night games is it?” He kept moving his hips as Jack moaned gently, “You’ve only one extra day you know.”

Jack closed his eyes, pushing his head back into the pillow and revelling in the feel of Bitty’s hand around him. 

“I want to,” he spoke between gasps and moans as the movement of Bitty’s hand and hips became faster and more determined, “I want to come … I … With you inside me … please … Please Bits … Please.”

Bitty leaned down and kissed his sternum, smiling against his skin. “Ok baby.” He kissed him again as he let go of their cocks and ran his hands up either side of Jack’s chest and then down his arms until he could wrap is fingers around his wrists and squeeze just enough for Jack to know what he meant. “Put your hands behind your head for me baby.” 

Jack moved his arms slowly, watching Bitty as Bitty watched him do as he was told, and only a second after his head settled back in his hands he felt the blunt pressure of hot flesh against his not quite prepared enough hole and he closed his eyes to savour the sting and stretch of it and the feel of Bitty slipping inside of him.

“Open your eyes,” Bitty almost snapped and Jack did as he was told, locking eyes with Bitty and then watching as he balanced on the strength of his arms and as the muscles of his abs contracted and moved as he thrust his hips, pushing his cock deeper and deeper inside before a tiny, but sudden, change of angle had him thrusting right against Jack’s prostate.

Jack moaned and gasped and pulled at his own hair with his fingers as he did his best to behave and keep his hands where he’d been told too, while Bitty thrust hard and rolled his hips, moving his cock deep inside him causing pre-come to pool around the head of his cock on his belly.

“You’re fucking amazing,” Jack gasped out between thrusts, “So fucking amazing … I don’t know why you … put up with me … but I’m so … so glad you do.” 

Bitty didn’t reply to that, his breathing erratic and his grip on Jack’s hips tightening to the point of possible bruising, he just instructed “touch yourself” and tipped his hips up to find the angle he always like the best.

Doing as he was told without question Jack moved one hand from behind his head and quickly wrapped his fingers around his pre-come slicked cock, matching Bitty’s rhythm and feeling the world narrow down to the touch of his hand and the heat of Bitty inside him until suddenly it all became too much and he came with a gasp, come covering his chest, and Bitty collapsing on top of him with a groan.

 

*** 

 

“Shower, I’m going for a shower.” Bitty pushed himself up from Jack’s chest, trying hard not to think about the combination of bodily fluids that made the wet suction noise as he moved, and hopped off the bed towards the bathroom. “I’ll be as quick as I can.”

Jack didn’t respond so Bitty shut the bathroom door, slipping the almost rusted bolt on, and switched on the shower, turning the heat up to as hot as he could stand. Steam filled the room, fogging up the mirror as he washed himself twice, once with the sponge and then again with the nail brush just to be sure that he was clean, and shampooed and conditioned his hair until he was distracted by the sound of the door handle turning.

“Bits” Jack shouted through the door, “You ok Bits?”

“Yeah,” Bitty could feel his voice wavering so he wiped his hand over his face, took a deep breath and turned the shower off before he tried again. “I’m fine Honey, won’t be a minute, sorry.”

He stepped out of the shower, dried himself quickly and wrapped a towel tightly around his waist before he slipped the bolt back and opened the door almost startling as he found Jack only a few feet away on the other side.

“Did you lock the door?” Jack asked, “When it wouldn’t open I thought you’d fallen or something” 

“Yeah,” Bitty moved to find some clothes and looked away from Jack before he answered, “I forgot where I was sorry, you know how the Haus is if you forget to lock the door.”

Jack laughed, “Oh yeah, I know, you’ve got to keep yourself safe Bud.” And then he disappeared into the bathroom closing the door behind him.


	4. You can't win them all.

“Are you going to try and get those to the team Eric or are they for the party after?” Alicia laughed as she sat down at the table in their suite and looked at the pies, cookies, bars and cakes that were lined up along it.

“I don’t know Ma’am, sorry if I woke you, I can’t help myself when I’m nervous.”

“Don’t apologise,” Alicia picked up one of the chocolate chip cookies and took a big bite, “Coaches decision to lock everyone down after the last game is understandable but it’s not helpful for us watching is it?”

“At three nil he probably wants them to focus on getting it done tonight but its hard being this close and still not seeing him.”

“I used to find it hard when it was Bob,” Alicia nodded her understanding, “it’s still hard with Jack but in a different way. I hope having us here is helping.”

Bitty lifted the last pie from the oven onto the only spare cooling rack and flicked on the coffee maker, “If I was on my own I wouldn’t have a kitchen, I’m not sure what I’d have done since game three if I couldn’t do this.” He waved his hand around the table.

Alicia stood up and walked around the table and Bitty made to move out of her way, assuming she was heading for the coffee machine, but she reached for him and pulled him into her arms, wrapping them around him. “Do you always get this nervous about his games Eric?”

Bitty tried to resist the urge to snuggle closer into Alicia’s hold, and to tell her that no he didn’t normally feel so anxious, or more accurately terrified, about Jack’s games, but he failed to resist as she stroked her hand softly up and down his back and he bit his lip and allowed himself to melt into a hug that he needed far more than she could or would ever know.

 

*** 

“One shift at a time boys.” Coach shouted into the almost silent room, “We need five this period or we take them home and win it there! Their main man’s left the game, we can do this!”

Cheers went up around the room and Tater tapped his hand on Jack’s knee, “You ready Zimmboni?”

Jack turned and nodded even though he wasn’t really feeling it and then the shout came and they flooded out onto the ice.

 

“Home ice will be fun to win on I guess,” Snowy said as he threw his pads on the floor and the room murmured their agreement. They’d scored two in the third but they’d conceded another three and the whole experience had been a disaster, Jack hadn’t managed a point and he’d had the worst game he’d had in ages and all he wanted to do was get permission to get out of there and see Bitty.

Coach stepped into the room, banging the door behind him, bringing the room to silence. “We fly tomorrow morning, the coach leaves the hotel at ten and, whatever state you’re in, you will all be on it. Between now and then I don’t want to know what you do, go get this game out of your system, we’ll win it at game five.” And then he left again.

Jack felt his whole body relax at that, he could spend the evening with Bitty, curl up in his arms and sleep and hope that he woke up able to play hockey again. He grabbed his phone to text Bitty, arranging to meet him in the hall outside the locker room, and then he text Kent, deciding to get it out of the way before he left the building.

_How’s the hand/foot/knee? See you in Providence?_

_I don’t know whether the right answer is its fine or it’s fallen off ;-) Get your boy to make you some consolation cookies, they were really good :-D do you think he’d make me a celebration pie?_

_3-1 Kenny, you’ll need more cookies soon!_

_Maybe, maybe not ;-) xx_

 

*** 

 

Bitty had watched the game sat between Bob and Alicia in the family area and he’d struggled through the last two periods trying not to be sick with each puck that hit the back of the Falconers net and when they’d decided that they should go back to the hotel and leave Bitty to meet Jack, and maybe take him out for a beer or seven, he’d been equal parts relieved and horrified at the idea. 

Being alone with Jack was something he’d altered his whole life to achieve as often as possible over the last year but right now, with Jack angry from defeat, he couldn’t help feeling the want of company but at least Bob and Alicia would be there when they returned to the hotel.

 

“We drink Vodka?” Tater pushed through the locker room door with his arm around Jack, dragging him behind him, “Lots of Vodka, till game not happen.”

“I don’t think we can make it not have happened,” Jack laughed, “But I’m willing to watch you try.”

“You drink,” Tater patted his shoulder as they came to a stop in front of Bitty, “We make him drink yes B?”

“You can try,” Bitty laughed as Tater put his arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer and walking them towards the door, “I don’t think you’ll be successful but you can try.”

“I will do, Zimmboni need to relax, need team to help him,” Tater winked at Bitty, “Not all your job B, is team’s job.” Bitty felt his stomach summersault and his heart jump in his chest and without conscious thought he pushed closer into Tater’s side and Tater held him tighter and stroked his fingers just slightly where they rested on his arm. “We all have bad game, we all make better.”

“Okay,” Jack agreed, smiling at Bitty, “Drink and sleep and all will be well by tomorrow.”

“Exactly,”

*** 

 

“I haven’t, not this much, drink.” Jack stumbled over his words, unable to make much sense after the amount of vodka Tater had persuaded him to drink. It wasn’t really a lot, Bitty and Tater had drunk the same if not more, but Jack didn’t normally drink much so he had much less practice at dealing with it.

“I know Honey,” Bitty was laughing and Jack couldn’t help smiling at him, “Eat this then we’ll get you to bed.”

“What is? Is it?” Jack tried to ask; reaching out his hand to take the plate he was being offered.

“Apple and blueberry pie and one of the protein bars you like,”

“Cookies?” Jack took the plate and looked at it “No cookies?”

“You want cookies Honey? I thought you might not?” Bitty crouched down in front of where Jack was sat and rested his hand on his leg, “I thought cookies might make you cross.”

“Cross,” Jack felt his eyes go wide, “I like cookies, Kenny liked all his.”

“Did he? He never told me.”

“He doesn’t say things the normal way, he’s Kenny.”

Bitty stood up and leaned in to kiss Jack on the forehead, “Okay then, I’ll go get you some cookies to go with that pie.”

“Thank you. I love you.” 

“I love you too baby.”

*** 

 

Bitty opened his eyes at the buzz of Jack’s alarm against the mattress and tightened his arms just slightly around his curled up form. The night had been short, shorter than Bitty would have liked given that it had been one of the few nights in the last few months when Jack had needed, and wanted, Bitty just to care for him.

They’d eaten so much of Bitty’s baking that at any time but the playoffs it would have been a diet disaster and Jack had drunk three glasses of water and a bottle of Gatorade, in the hope of there being no hangover in the morning, and then he’d asked, quiet and a little shy, if Bitty would help him shower and cuddle him while he slept.

Jack had fallen to his knees in the shower, facing away from Bitty, and ducked his head a little as he’d asked, almost begged, Bitty to wash his hair and, with the help of the alcohol in his veins, Bitty hadn’t even thought about saying no, this was exactly what he loved to do for Jack, caring for him, and this was certainly preferable to what had happened last time he lost a game.

His hair and beard washed, body cleaned and teeth brushed, Jack had curled up in bed, too tired to comment about Bitty pulling on his pyjama, despite the excessive Vegas heat, and then Bitty had curled around his back, one arm under his head and the other around his waist, and held him tight in his arms for hours, just feeling him breathe against his chest, before he’d drifted into sleep just as the light began to glimpse around the blinds.

“I’ll tell mama to wake you just in time for your flight,” Jack rolled over in Bitty’s arms and kissed the end of his nose with a smile, “I know you like to sleep in the mornings.”

“I’ll sleep on the plane,” Bitty smiled back, “but I think your mum and dad would like some time with you.” He stretched his legs and yawned, “they’re good to me but they’re your parents, I don’t want them thinking I’m trying to steal you away.” He laughed and pulled Jack closer into his arms, kissing him gently.

“They like you Bits, they like how you look after me, they know you’re good for me, they know I need you.”

Bitty watched Jack carefully, listening to his words and desperately trying to feel them like he used to, deep in his heart and right to his bones, but he couldn’t quite manage it, his body and his brain still itching with something he couldn’t name and deeply wished had never infected his body in the first place.

“Go,” he nudged at Jack’s side, smiling what he hoped was a normal and encouraging smile, “get your plane and I’ll see you when we get home.” 

“Ok,” Jack kissed him gently and Bitty tried not to flinch away from the hand that came to rest on his hip, “I’ll see you tonight.”


	5. preferences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings at end of chapter.

“Their Captain not even playing.” Tater mumbled into his knees, “How they keep coming back?”

“I don’t know.” Jack almost growled, “They’re so quick, every time we score they level it straight back.”

“Score goal on buzzer then no time to come back.” Tater laughed slightly trying to lighten the mood. It was second intermission, the game tied at five, and the room was quiet and anxious and everyone seemed confused by how the game was going.

“The bloody defence just needs to hold it together,” Jack said a little too loudly.

“Oh yeah, put it all on us, nothing at all to do with you losing the face-offs to their bloody rookie every single time!”

“I’m doing my best,” Jack stood up glaring at the defenceman, not sure which one of them had said it.

“And so are the rest of us.” Marty shouted bringing everyone up short, “Sit down the lot of you, coach is coming.”

Jack sat back in his stall feeling his heart racing and his breathing shallowing and he tried to get up again, desperate to leave the room before the panic attack he could feel building took him over completely but suddenly Coach was there and he was speaking and gesturing and writing things on the board that Jack should probably be able to understand if his brain was still connected to his body and the world wasn’t narrowing down to the sound of his own breathing, the tightness in his chest and the colour behind his own eye lids.

His fingers scrabbled against his legs, searching for sensation but his pads put his skin too far below the surface so his hands kept moving until the fingers of his right hand found the open skin of his neck and his nails dug into his own throat, hard and sharp enough for his brain to notice.

Pressing and scratching and breathing and counting for seconds or minutes or maybe even a whole hour, controlling his breathing and thinking about Bitty and their apartment and the summer they had planned, eventually had Jack opening his eyes again only for him to gasp for air at the sight of the empty locker room and the trainer kneeling on the floor in front of him.

“Jack,” Don’s voice was low and soothing and nothing like he’d ever heard from the trainer before, “Jack, you with me?”

“Yeah, shit yeah.” Jack felt his brain click back online and his body react to where he was supposed to be. “The game?”

“They just went out Jack; five minutes maybe, it’s ok.”

“It’s not ok; I need to get out there, shit.”

“Jack,” 

Don had said his name more in the last thirty seconds than he had in the whole of the rest of the season and it was making Jack weirdly angry. “What,” he snapped and looked Don right in the eye.

“Good, you’re back with us.” Don picked up a bottle of Gatorade and passed it to Jack, “Drink this, tell me where we are and what we’re here for and you’re good to go.”

Jack took a long drag from the bottle, the liquid soothing his dry throat, “We’re five all in game five of the Stanley cup final and I’m supposed to be out there doing something to win this thing.”

“Get the fuck on with it then.” Don stood up and waved towards the door and Jack jumped out of his stall, and raced down the hall towards the game.

 

*** 

 

_Is he hurt? K_

_As if I’d tell you even if I knew ;-)_

Bitty was in the team area, sat two rows and a few seats away from Kent who was out of the game with an unexplained injury following a collision with his own goalie in game four, and he was watching some form of his worst nightmare taking place on the ice below. 

The game had been level at the second intermission, and that was bad enough but now it was four seventeen into the third, the Aces were up by one for the first time in the game and Jack hadn’t returned from the break. If Bob and Alicia hadn’t been sat either side of him Bitty was sure that he would have run away by now, found himself a bus back to Samwell and hoped and prayed that someone was in the Haus when he got there but, as it was, he was left trying to control the shaking in his body, trying to reassure Bob and Alicia that everything must be ok and trying not to notice the concerned looks Kent kept flashing his way.

_He’s back on the bench! I hope he’s ok. K_

_I’m glad I’m allowed to DM you now, I’d be fired if I’d tweeted the last one! K_

_Just saw him, thanks. I won’t tell anyone you care ;-)_

Bitty looked up and caught Kent’s eye, smiling at him just a little and hoping that no one caught it on camera, and then spent the rest of the game trying to avoid looking at him as the Aces scored another two, the Falconers added one and Jack skated less than three minutes even though they went empty net for the last three and had more forwards on each shift than seemed possible with Jack almost rooted to bench.

When the buzzer sounded Bitty dropped his head into his hands, his palms pressing hard against his eyes trying to hold the tears in and his teeth digging into his lip to hold back a sob.

“He’ll be ok.” Alicia whispered as she patted Bitty’s shoulder and Bitty flinched away from the touch, causing him to bang into Bob on the other side which had him flinching back the other way and not daring to look up.

Bitty felt them both slide away from him and was aware of some communication going on above his head but his brain wouldn’t focus on the words as he pushed his elbows down into his thighs trying to ground himself.

“We’re going to go wait for Jack,” Bob spoke as he stood up and moved away, “Give you time to get your head in gear before he sees you, whatever his problem was tonight he’ll need you to look after him so best you take some time to get yourself together before you see him.” Bob laughed a sad, almost pained laugh, and Bitty nodded into his hands, he knew he had to get himself together; Jack would need him when they got home.

“I’ll be down in a few minutes, just wash my face.” Bitty spoke as calmly as he could but he didn’t lift his head and he dug his elbows harder into his thighs as Bob tapped him on the back before he and Alicia walked away leaving him alone.

The ticking of a clock, the totally imagined and yet almost ever present ticking of a clock, was back, counting out the seconds in his head as he rubbed at his eyes, now wet with the tears he’d been trying to hide, pulled at his hair and bit his lip so hard that he could taste blood.

“I won’t touch you.” A voice startled Bitty out of his head, “but can I sit here.” 

Turning his head just slightly in his hands Bitty looked up from trainers, with 90 on the side, to trousers, with KP marked in yellow on the pocket, and then the aces logo staring from the middle of a shirt and he nodded without speaking, turning his head back into his hands and fighting back another sob.

“Are you ok?” Kent asked and then huffed out a laugh, “Stupid question sorry.”

“Yeah,” Bitty laughed, suddenly feeling a little calmer, and lifted his head slightly. “Kind of stupid yeah.”

“Sorry,” he shrugged and smiled, “saying stupid things is my forte but at least it made you laugh.”

“That’s true,” Bitty sat up further, smiling a little despite himself, “Should you not be celebrating with your team rather than consorting with the enemy?”

“Probably,” Kent smiled warmly at him, “I just wanted to check you were ok.” 

Bitty noticed Kent’s hands, held together, trapped between his knees, and suddenly felt the urge to reach out and touch them but instead he just quietly asked the question “Why did you say you wouldn’t touch me”

Kent’s knees tightened further against his hands as Bitty saw them twitch just slightly, “You don’t look good kid,” Bitty could hear the attempt at humour in Kent’s voice but he didn’t really pull it off and he didn’t even seem to be trying for it when he spoke again, “I saw you flinch, I wanted you to know I wouldn’t touch you without permission, its important.”

“I see,” Bitty gasped out a breath and swallowed hard, screwing up his eyes to stop the tears. “You wouldn’t want to be caught on camera hugging that weird kid who hangs around the Falcs,” he looked sideways at Kent, “Not good for your image.”

“Fuck my image,” Kent said with more force than Bitty had been expecting and he flinched away, “Shit sorry,” he moved a seat further away, giving Bitty space, and turned sideways to look at him. “Look, I don’t really know how to say this so I’m just going to say it and then I’ll leave you alone ok?”

Bitty turned to face him and looked up slightly, concerned about what was going to be said but he nodding, “Okay.”

“Okay,” Kent took a breath and looked down at his knees. “In juniors,” he took another breath and looked up at Bitty, “Zimms didn’t really take losing well, especially not the big stuff.” He smiled just slightly and Bitty’s breathing stopped, “I don’t know if he’s got better at dealing with it but if he hasn’t I hope you’re ok.”

They sat for a second just looking at each other and then Bitty nodded just once and stood up, putting his hand on Kent’s shoulder for a second and then pulling it away like he’d just been burnt, “Sorry,” he stammered, “I didn’t mean too, I …erm… I better get down there.”

“No need for sorry,” Kent stood up and Bitty watched as his media face slipped back into place, “I should get to my team, stop them drinking so much we miss the flight. I’ll see you in Vegas.”

“I’ll bring pie.” Bitty smiled “Peach and apricot right?”

“That would be good,” Kent smirked and turned and walked away.

 

*** 

 

“I don’t want to talk about it papa,” Jack put his arm around Bitty’s shoulder, enjoying the fact that he could do that without concern in his own locker room, and picked his bag up from his stall, “you know how it works, especially in the playoffs.”

“I know how it goes when you start keeping secrets from me Jack,”

“Don’t you dare!” Jack glared at his dad, “I finished the game, we lost and now I want to go home and do anything I can to forget it all.” He tightened his arm around Bitty’s shoulder and kissed his cheek, “I’ll see you in Vegas.”

Bob stepped back and looked at Bitty instead of Jack “Look after him,”

Bitty nodded and tried not to react to the almost painful grip Jack now had on his shoulder, “See you in Vegas Sir.”

 

“Eat these,” Bitty handed Jack a plate of strawberry pie and cookies and a large glass of water, “I’m just going for a shower.”

Jack took the plate and gave it one look before he put it down on the sofa next to him and grabbed Bitty’s hand, pulling him towards him. “Consolation cookies Bits, really?”

“You asked for them last time,” Bitty resisted the pull so Jack gripped tighter, “I thought you liked them.”

“I do,” Jack pulled his arm again, this time too hard for Bitty to resist and he fell into his lap, Jack rearranging him until his knees were straddling his hips, “I like you more though.”

Bitty put his hand on Jack’s chest, splaying his fingers and straightening his arm as he leant back in Jack’s arm which were now wrapped around his hips, “I know you do honey, that’s why I wanted to go get ready for you.”

Tickling at Bitty’s armpit until his arm gave way between them Jack leant forward, pulling Bitty against his chest and kissed him, long and slow, exploring his mouth with his tongue as his hand moved down his back and up under his shirts, feeling the warm skin and tight muscles of his back. 

“I love how you smell,” he moved his mouth to Bitty’s neck, kissing, sucking and biting at the soft skin under his chin and scratching his beard across his jaw, “You make me so hot for you,” he rolled his hips slightly, pushing his hardening cock up against his ass, “The smell of you,” he grabbed the hem of his shirt as Bitty squirmed in his arms and pulled it over his head, moving to tongue at his nipple as he threw the shirt on the floor and stood up, lifting Bitty with him and turning to lie him on his back on the couch, settling between his thighs and knocking the plate of cookie onto the floor.

“Jack!” Bitty gasped, and glared at him and Jack sat back on his heels.

“Sorry,” he leant down to the floor, picking the plate, and the cookies and pie, up and then he set the plate on the table and looked back at Bitty, touching his nose with his finger and then running it over his chin and slowly down his sternum, “Can we get back to what we were doing now?”

“I think we need some,” Bitty started to speak and Jack grinned at him, reaching over the back of the couch and pulling open the drawer it the dresser. 

“Is this what you mean?” He dropped a small bottle of lube onto Bitty’s chest and Bitty rested his head back against the couch and closed his eyes.

 

*** 

 

Eyes closed, as Jack ran his hand over his chest, Bitty concentrated on his breathing, trying to stay calm but he opened his eyes with a start when he felt fingers in the waist band of his trousers and a memory of the last time he was led on the couch with Jack flashed through his mind. 

“The bed would be more comfortable baby,” Bitty concentrated on his breathing keeping his voice steady.

“No time,” Jack grinned and winked and in one swift movement he pulled Bitty’s trousers and pants down to his thighs, “I need you now Bud,” He stroked at Bitty’s cock, looking slightly perplexed as it sat limp against his thigh, “I need to feel you around me, hot and tight and,” he stopped talking leaning down to kiss the soft skin of his inner thighs as he picked up the lube, “I need it now.”

“Not too quick.” Bitty stammered out, bringing his hand up to wipe at his eyes, trying to hide the tears that were sliding down his nose, “Please.”

“I got you Bud,” Jack’s hand disappeared between his thighs and, after only one cold slick swipe between his ass cheeks, Bitty felt Jack push his finger inside and he gasped out as Jack pulled back slightly and pushed forward again, sinking deeper, “You like that?”

“I,” Bitty gasped again, “quick.”

“I know baby, I got you.” he pulled his finger almost out again and thrust right back in, turning his hand just enough to run his finger hard against his prostate, stimulating some reaction from his cock and Jack wrapped his fingers around it and stroked him gently, “I love how you react to me baby.”

Bitty closed his eyes, his mind racing with confused and panicked thoughts. _He’s not listening, why’s he not listening? He’s always quick after a bad game Bits you know that, you should have been ready. I wanted to get ready for him, why wouldn’t he let me? You’ve never told him you get ready for him, he thinks you like taking it quick. He should be able to tell, surely I normally feel different. He knew you were ready for him last time._

His eyes flew open as he felt a second finger push into him alongside the first and he focused them on Jack’s chest, still covered by his shirt, and he brought his hand up to run over his abs as he breathed and counted and calmed his body, forcibly relaxing himself into the touch.

“You see,” Jack spread his fingers as he withdrew them and then sunk three back inside, dragging them over just the right spot inside Bitty to make his cock react and Bitty moaned without meaning to and squirmed down onto Jack’s fingers. 

_You can do this, just breathe Bits, just breathe and calm, he thinks you like it, he thinks you’re enjoying it. How can he? How can he think I’m enjoying it, it hurts. You know Jack, you know he loves you, he needs you._

Jack pulled his fingers from Bitty’s body and wiped his hand on thigh as he moved away, “Like you are or on your knees Bud?” Bitty felt his whole body freeze at the sudden sickening memory of waking up with his face being thrusted into the cushions.

“I,” he moved one hand down between his own legs while he reached for the lube with the other, hoping he’d have chance to take a moment to do what he’d been intending to do before they started and improve the lube situation but before he could squirt some onto his fingers and apply it where he wanted it Jack grabbed his wrist and brought his hand to his cock which was now out through the fly of his trousers.

“This is perfect,” Jack leaned down and kissed him as he helped him spread lube over his cock and then he leant close to his ear, nipping the lobe between his teeth “I like to see your face when you’re awake,” 

_Fuck!_ Bitty’s brain shouted and his stomach lurched and his whole body tensed for just a second. _He still thinks that was ok, he thinks I liked it, he has preferences that depend if I’m awake or not, he thinks I planned it and I did, I got ready for it, I wish I’d been ready for today._ He moved his hand to Jack’s hip, bracing his elbow against the back of the couch in the hope that it would give him purchase to stop Jack thrusting too deeply too quickly and then he turned to kiss Jack’s lips, slowly and gently and concentrated on just how much he loved this wonderful man and how much he deserved to feel good about something after his terrible game.

 

*** 

 

“You ready for me Bud, god I can’t wait to feel you.” Jack leaned over Bitty, one hand braced against the armrest as he lined himself up and pushed his hips forward watching as Bitty’s mouth fell open and his head rested backwards, revealing more of his beautiful neck and his hands gripped tighter at his hips. “you feel so good,” he pushed deeper, “Better than anything, God Bits,” he pushed himself deep and sat back, running his hands down Bitty’s thighs and holding him solid against him.

“Touch yourself baby,” Jack pulled Bitty’s hand off his hip and placed it over his still hardly responsive cock and then circled his hips slowly, just once, before withdrawing almost all the way and slamming back into his body. “Come on Bud,” he pulled out and thrust in again, “I want you to come with me baby,” he moved his position, leaning his weight over Bitty, thrusts shallower but moving more quickly, “I’m not going to last long” Jack was gasping and moaning and he could feel all the stress and anxiety, the anger and the disappointment of the game rolling itself up inside him, the heat building, his breathing getting ragged and his heart racing as he thrust and rolled his hips, pushing himself deeper and deeper until he came, soundless and breathless before he pulled out of Bitty’s body and collapsed back against the other arm, closing his eyes. “You’re so good to me baby, I fucking love you, don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I’m glad you feel better sweetheart,” Bitty pulled his pants and trousers back up over his hips and stood up, picking the plate of baked goods up from the table, “I’ll find you some new food, then you can get yourself to bed.”

“Thanks,” Jack opened his eyes and smiled at Bitty, “I’m so lucky that you love me.”

“Yeah,” Bitty walked towards the door, “you really are.”

 

*** 

 

_What time’s your flight? I made your pie. Eric_

_You made me pie instead of sleeping? We leave at eight, not sure why I’m up at five ;-) K_

_I night bake when I’m anxious, I could bring your pie?_

As he sent the message Bitty wasn’t sure why he’d thought it was a good idea, or why he had any thought that Kent would say yes, but it would be an excuse to get out of the apartment for a bit, the fresh air might help him to settle to sleep when he got back and if not he could wait until Jack left for his own plane and then sleep the twenty four hours until his flight was due.

_Let me know where to meet you, as long as I’m back for breakfast no one will know ;-) K_

_Won’t they notice the pie?_

_Not if I eat it all ;-) K_

Bitty laughed at that and felt strangely like he hadn’t laughed in years which, he considered, should probably have made him feel guilty but instead he messaged back with the name of a café about ten minutes from the apartment and went to find his shoes.

 

“Is that box for me?” Bitty jumped at the voice, lost in thought, but he smiled quickly when he saw Kent, coffee cup in hand.

“Yes Sir, peach and apricot just like you asked for.”

“Cool,” Kent tapped the box, “Can I sit?”

“Be my guest, unless you have to get back.”

Kent pulled out the chair and sat down on it, “We were on curfew so I was in bed well before midnight, five hours now, another four on the plane and I’m right back where I need to be for the next game.” He blew at his coffee, taking a careful sip, “I guess you’ll sleep after the Falcs fly out?”

He said it so simply and matter of factly that it wasn’t until after he’d nodded and said yes that Bitty really realised what he’d said and a tiny part of his brain wanted to correct him, to explain his not sleeping in some way, but the bigger part of his tired, confused and panicking brain liked that someone finally knew that something was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Panic attacks and Flashbacks to non-con events


	6. 'I know the manager'

“You’re sharing a suite with Bob and Alicia right.” Kent was leaning against the door of the bathroom, holding it shut, when Bitty came out of the cubical and he instinctively hid his hand behind his back as he walked to the sink and switched it on, pouring soap all over his hands and washing off the last remnants of the lube he’d just used.

“They’re flying out about four but they’ll be there when we get back, if coach lets them out after that.”

“I’m sorry,” Kent said, a little above a whisper,

“You’re boys have pulled this back to three three while you’ve been sat on your ass eating pie, I don’t know what you’re apologising for.” Bitty looked up and tried to grin at him but he knew Kent would see through it.

“I want to win it Eric, I want to beat him, I’ve waited years for it.”

“He wants to beat you too, it’s what’s making this so hard for him I think, he can’t have expected to win in his first year but he really doesn’t want to lose to you!”

Kent scuffed his feet against the floor, ran his hands through his hair and then stepped further into the room, turning on another tap, wetting his hands and throwing water on his face and then, while not looking at Bitty, he asked “Does he only get bad after losing to me?” and Bitty felt his heart squeeze in his chest.

“It’s not your fault.” Bitty said with feeling and Kent barked out a laugh which startled Bitty slightly.

“I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be my line kid.”

 

*** 

 

“I’ve called a car, have my parents already gone?” Jack wasn’t even looking at Bitty, casting his eyes up and down the hall checking they weren’t being watched.

“They wanted to give you the option to go out with the team if you wanted.”

“I need to get out of here,” Jack could feel his heart rate increasing, “I need you to help me, I can’t have another panic attack here.”

“Another?” Bitty asked and Jack felt his shoulders sag, wishing he’d not said it.

“Let’s wait outside,”

They walked side by side, Jack keeping his hands to himself despite desperately wanting to touch Bitty, until they were out of the building and hiding in a dark corner waiting for the car. “I missed the start of the third in the last game because of a panic attack,” 

Bitty touched Jack’s arm, “I’m sorry I didn’t know that Sweetheart, you did well to get back on the ice Baby,” and Jack felt the tension in his body ebb away, “Have you been ok tonight?”

“Yeah,” Jack felt the last of the tension leave his body with the word, “I just need to be with you.” 

“We can do that baby, how long for the car?”

Jack pulled his phone from his pocket and it pinged as he did so so he pushed off from the wall and they walked across the path to the car and climbed in, settling into their seats as the car drove the ten minutes to their hotel.

 

*** 

The suite was quiet, a note on the table telling them that Bob and Alicia were asleep and would see them in Providence, and Bitty grabbed Jack’s hand and pulled him into a kiss as soon as he was sure they were alone. They kissed slow and calm, Bitty stroking his hands up and down Jack’s back, Jack holding gently to his hips, and Bitty rocked them both gently side to side, seeking to calm and care for Jack.

“Do you want to eat baby? I can find some food if you want or we can just get to bed.”

“I’m tired” Jack slumped against Bitty, “anxiety makes me so much more tired than hockey.”

“Ok sweetie,” Bitty took his hand and led him through to their bedroom, “Do you want me to cuddle you?”

“Please,” Bitty reached out to start undoing Jack’s shirt buttons, “I like being cuddled,” he slipped his shirt from his shoulder and reached for his own belt.

“You sure that’s all you want baby?” Bitty smiled and for a second Jack considered it but he was still feeling the buzz of anxiety in his bones and really wasn’t in the mood.

“I’m sure but,” he stopped speaking not quite feeling like he could look at Bitty.

“But what Honey?”

“It’s hot, do you have to sleep in pyjamas?” he looked hopefully at Bitty, “I want to feel your skin against me.”

“If you want baby,” Bitty turned away and stripped off his shirt and trousers and then he turned back to Jack, “this ok?”

Jack looked him up and down, eyes catching on the dark blue briefs that he was still wearing and he nodded, not really meaning it, and Bitty could obviously tell.

“Is this not ok?” 

Bitty asked and Jack felt himself blush as he stammered out, “I’d prefer without the pants.” And then he sat down on the bed, back to Bitty and head resting down in his hands.

“Okay,” Bitty dropped his underwear to the floor and crawled under the covers, pulling them close around his back, and opened his arms to Jack who slid in beside him, curling up in his arms and melting into his hold.

 

*** 

It was dark when Bitty opened his eyes, a warm hand resting on his lower back, and he smiled against the pillow as he realised that he’d been asleep, next to Jack, for at least long enough for him to have released his hold on Jack and roll away to his own side of the bed.

Maybe it had been the sadness in his eyes, the plea for a hug and to be cared for, the fact that he needed him so badly in the way that Bitty loved to be needed or maybe it was the conversation with Kent in the bathroom that had settled him slightly but he was happy for the sleep and felt comfort in the warmth of Jack’s hand on his back like he had every time it rested there in the months before the disaster that had been the last three weeks.

Turning his head on the pillow, so that he could watch Jack sleeping next to him, Bitty smiled and breathed and watched until his eyes closed again and he drifted back to sleep.

*** 

 

Opening his eyes and looking at his watch Jack quickly switched off his alarm, even the silent vibrations of it had been known to wake Bitty and if he was already awake then that was a little unfair given Bitty’s flight was a good six hours after the team were leaving not that that meant he couldn’t snuggle closer and steal his warmth for a few minutes before he had to get up and face the flight and the pain that was going to be the afternoon tape review.

Stroking his fingers gently along Bitty’s spine, feeling like electric under his fingertips, and then spreading his hand to rest on the firm and tight muscles of his ass cheek he felt his mind settle and the last edges of panic and anxiety that had held him teetering either side of collapse since the opening shift of game five drifted away.

“I love you,” he whispered, talking to himself more than Bitty, “I love every inch of you,” he moved his hand again, tracing up Bitty’s spine to his neck, where he kissed him gently, and then moving his fingers back down, all the way down and over his ass where he suddenly stopped, as his fingers slipped against his skin.

“Shit,” Jack breathed out rather louder than he intended to and he felt Bitty momentarily tense under his hand before he relaxed again, “I’m so sorry Bits,” he sank his fingers between Bitty’s ass cheeks and circled slowly around his hole, still damp with lube, “I should have thought,” he circled his finger again, his cock twitching to life despite the lack of time to use it. “I’m sorry I wasn’t up for what you suggested before bed,” he kissed his shoulder and pushed his finger against his rim, “and I’m sorry I didn’t wake up early enough to give you want you prepared yourself for.”

Jack pushed his finger just inside Bitty’s body, closing his eyes and savouring the warmth and tightness of him, “I promise I’ll make it up to you tonight,” he whispered against his shoulder, “when we’re home and alone and I can just focus on you.”

Kissing gently at his neck Jack withdrew his hand, patting it gently against Bitty’s ass, and then he slipped out of bed to get dressed and make his way to the plane.

 

*** 

 

Bitty lay still, frozen in place, listening to Jack move around the suite, the sounds less familiar than those of Jack’s apartment but still enough, hopefully, for him to track his movement from bedroom to kitchen, from table to couch and couch to door. Listening for the whir of the hotel lock sealing him in, he counted the minutes of the drop of the lift, visualised the footsteps through the lobby and the short wait for a car until twenty minutes had passed since the door clicked shut and he finally believed that he was alone.

“I can’t do this,” he shouted into the pillow, burying his face and screaming and crying until his whole body sagged as the stress, anger, exhaustion and fear that had built within him over the last few weeks became too much for his small frame to handle. “I can’t go back.” He spoke to himself and then with a sudden, heart wrenching realisation, “I have nowhere to go.”

Shaking and shivering despite the heat he pulled the covers up tight around his neck, giving thought to how tight he’d have to hold them to cut off the thought processes of his brain, and lay there, staring at the ceiling wishing that it would fall down and bury him.

 

_?_

Bitty couldn’t put together a message and his phone wouldn’t send it blank so he typed in a question mark, hit send and thought about his life. How had it come to be that he had no one to talk to, no one to help him, no one to send a message to at a time like this except Kent Parson, the man he had believed to be akin to the devil for much of the last three years?

_Hotel and room number? K_

Bitty stared at his phone for only a second before he typed in the information and hit send.

_I know the manager, I’ll be with you in less than ten minutes, don’t move. K_

_Thank you._

_Don’t! Don’t say that. K_

Bitty dropped his phone to his chest and grasped at the sheets, pulling them back around his neck giving only passing thought to the fact that he was naked in bed and he’d invited a man he hardly knew to his room.

 

“Eric,”

Bitty heard the hotel room door swing open and then click shut and a soft voice shouting his name and he wanted to move but he couldn’t seem to make his body do what his brain was commanding.

“Eric,” the voice was getting closer and Bitty opened his mouth to reply, taking three attempts to get any words out but thankfully it was enough for Kent to hear him and he came through the door, his movements stuttering slightly when he saw Bitty laid in the bed, but then he made his way to kneel next to the bed, by Bitty’s head. 

“Can I touch you?” Kent asked quietly, “Only your head, nowhere else I promise.”

Bitty couldn’t speak but he nodded just enough to say yes and then he felt soft fingers in his hair and made no attempt to resist the urge to lean into the touch or to roll onto his side towards Kent and, when Kent asked if he could hold him, and tucked the covers safe around him before he did, he let himself be held as another wave of tears, followed by a thousand words he’d never dreamed he’d have to say, overwhelmed him.


	7. group text

_**Jack:** Anyone heard from Bitty?_  
_**Shitty:** Not since I rang you both_  
_**Ransom:** can’t say I have_  
_**Lardo:** me neither._  
_**Holster:** To be honest I haven’t called him since his finals, has anyone? ___  
_**Ransom:** I’ve skyped with him and Jack._  
_**Lardo:** Me too._  
_**Shitty:** tell me I’m the only shitty one here, tell me someone has actually made Bits phone ring in the last three weeks, tell me we haven’t all just called Jack!_  
_**Ransom:** I’m Shitty!_  
_**Holster:** I’m shitty!_  
_**Lardo:** I’m shitty! ___  
_**Jack:** He’s been texting with someone, if not you lot then who?_  
_**Holster:** I’m ringing him, getting voicemail. Have you done something Jack?_  
_**Jack:** not as far as I know, he was asleep when I left Vegas but should have been home by now, he’s not answering his phone, I’m worried he missed the plane or lost his phone. He doesn’t have any money._  
_**Shitty:** Get some sleep Jack, big game tomorrow, we’ll track him down._  
_**Lardo:** Shitty’s right we’re on it._  
_**Holster:** Good luck tomorrow Jack_  
_**Ransom:** We’ll be watching._  
_**Jack:** Thanks guy, let me know when you find him, I need him.  
_**Shitty:** He needs you too! Now sleep.__

____

 

*** 

Glancing around the hotel room he’d just walked into Bitty pulled his phone from his pocket, switched it out of aeroplane mode, and tapped out a message to Kent.

_This must be above the agreed price range, I accepted the only plane ticket was first class but this was supposed to be a basic room!_

_It honestly and truthfully was the only room I could find except for a room in our team hotel and I knew you wouldn’t want that. I wouldn’t lie to you, please know I will never lie to you. K_

_I believe you; you put the full cost on my bill though. I accept the gift of the flight upgrade but not this._

_I promised and I meant it, a full bill will be on the mat in Georgia within the fortnight if you stay there after you’ve spoken to them or the Haus if you go back there BUT you only pay me when you get your entry level signing bonus. That’s the deal ;-) K_

_I’ll pay you when I’m working wherever that is, every penny. Thank you for everything._

_I’m glad I could help, good luck, let me know when you’re safe if you want to. K_

_I would never leave you wondering. Good luck to you too; I hope you’re fit for the game. Eric._

 

Shutting down twitter Bitty’s phone started to vibrate and beep with texts and calls he’d missed while on the plane and he sat down on the bed to read through the group text, reading some of it in disbelief.

‘Have you done something Jack?’ ‘Not as far as I know.’

“How could he not know?” Bitty asked the empty room, how could he possibly think what he’d done was ok? In what world was raping your sleeping boyfriend and then reassuring him that you’d do it again ok? He hadn’t told him it was wrong but he knew now that Jack had been told before, Kent had told him and he wasn’t stupid, he should have known anyway.

Reading through again he considered the feelings he’d had a few days ago about not knowing the frogs well enough and about Shitty, Ransom and Holster not messaging him and Lardo, who had, at least, kicked Jack out of his own living room so that they could talk about him without him sitting there but even she hadn’t actually contacted him directly.

‘If not you lot then who?’ And wasn’t that the thing? Who was he speaking to if it wasn’t the group chat? The answer of course was Kent but it should have been his teammates, his classmates, his family. Jack knew it wasn’t any of those though, Jack knew how much of his life he filled, how important he was and just how much Bitty would do to make sure he could be with him.

He couldn’t talk to his parents could he? How would that go? “Hey mama, I lied to you about when my exams finished so I could spend time with my secret boyfriend who I know you won’t approve of and sometimes he hurts me when we have sex after he’s had a bad game, and one night I was asleep when he did it. It’s not wrong to be gay though, please don’t hate me for lying or for being gay” 

He put his phone face down on the bed next to him and closed his eyes, concentrating on his breathing as tears ran down his cheeks, and he imagined being in his mother’s kitchen, Coach sat at the table, papers spread out in front of him, as he and mama made dinner, chatting away about hockey and football and food. 

“Two days.” He said to himself as he opened his eyes and picked up his phone, clicking through to his DMs, “two days until I’m home.”

_Did anyone know about you and him? Or what he did? You don’t have to tell me, ignore me if you want. Eric_

He didn’t really expect a reply, Kent would be busy and really he had no right to ask him such personal questions so he was surprised when his phone beeped just a few seconds later.

_No one knew about us until after at least not at my end his parents always knew, but no one knows what he could be like, sorry. It isn’t normal though, I promise you. K_

_Don’t you dare say sorry, not ever and thank you, I’ll try to remember that. Eric_  
_Also were your parents ok about it? Eric_

_My mum laughed when I told her I was gay, actually laughed! When she stopped laughing she said ‘tell me something I don’t know’ :-D K_  
_Also she gave me a long talk about consent after, during which I squirmed uncomfortably! She told me I could tell her anything because some shit was still wrong if it was a guy not a girl. I didn’t tell her though because I didn’t need her to know. K_

Bitty looked at his phone for a long time reading and rereading the last message over and over again before he finally replied.

_Am I the only person you’ve told?_

_No. Dean knows, I needed him to know why I found sleeping naked hard so I told him, and you know because I needed to check on you. K_

_Thank you for checking on me. Eric._

_Thank you for the pie ;-) K_

 

Bitty went back to the group text, the people there, those in that group were the only people who really knew about him and Jack so he read through again, looking for something in their messages but not quite sure what.

‘I need him’ ‘he needs you too.’

He read the two messages over and over again, was it true? Did Jack need him? Did he need Jack? Their lives were so intertwined, their friends and the team and everything they did were connected in some way, but then again maybe not. None of their supposedly joint friends had contacted him while they could contact Jack instead, those on the chat weren’t Samwell anymore and were busy with their own lives, he was the Captain, the one who set the tone for the team and the Haus and if he didn’t invite Jack and the others to Kegsters then it was unlikely anyone else would.

Having mulled it over for a few minutes, expecting tears to fall or his heart to ache or something to happen to him at least, he put the phone down on the bed next to him and grabbed his rucksack, pulling his wash bag from the top, and took himself off for a shower, a long, warm and gentle shower, no scrubbing brush in sight and no lock on the door.

Clean fresh and feeling weirdly relaxed Bitty wandered out of the bathroom, wrapped only in a towel. He picked up his phone and sccrolled down to group text, laughing painfully as he noticed the ‘beyond Samwell’ name of the group, as if he shouldn’t have seen the truth already, and without thinking a moment longer he tapped the cross next to his name.

_**Bitty** has left the group._

 

***

“No pie?” Snowy asked as he arrived in his stall, “Your boy too nervous even to bake Zimmermann?”

“Sorry,” Jack didn’t look up from sorting his skates.

“It’s part of routine, how win without pie?” Tater asked as he sat down next to him and Jack growled back at him, quiet enough that only he could hear “It’s not worked in the last three games, I think we’ll fucking manage.”

“Of course,” Tater said quietly as he edged away from Jack a little, “things okay?”

“Fine” Jack snapped back, “Just need to play.”

“Nearly time now, we do this, we win!” Tater sounded sure and Jack tried to believe him but his routine was off, even his ‘without Bitty’ routine was off because he hadn’t slept a wink since Bitty had disappeared. he’d driven to Samwell and almost knocked down the door hammering on it expecting Bitty to be there once he’d seen the ‘bitty has left the group’ message appear on his phone and he’d been ringing him all day, getting his answer phone each and every time and none of these things were part of his normal pre game routine.

The volume in the room increased suddenly as the defencemen arrived as one, probably having spent time together in the media room watching tape and trying to work out how things had suddenly gone so badly wrong in the last three games, and Jack let his mind settle into the noise and his focus narrow to his skates, his stick, his pads, his shirt and, when they were all ready to go, the sound of Coaches voice setting out the game plan and announcing the lines, and then the Captain gave his pre-game speech and they were walking down to the ice to play the biggest game of the season.

 

***

 

Bitty watched the pre-game show and the first few shifts of the opening period on the tiny TV screen in his oversized room. During the pre-game he’d scanned the crowd looking for Bob and Alicia, checking that they were in the arena and definitely not in Jack’s apartment. They’d rung him more than thirty times over the course of the day, leaving angrier and angrier messages each time. Apparently messing with Jack’s head before such a big game was ‘a childish thing that they’d thought he would have grown out of since he ran away from Georgia’ and ‘if he didn’t ring them back right now’, something they’d said at least eight times through the day and probably more given he’d stopped listening to the messages about three hours ago, ‘he better hope his mother failed to answer her phone as well or she’d soon know all his secrets’.

Kent was fit and Bitty was happy for him but he’d also have been happy to have him on the end of the phone for the next couple of hours with his eyes on the Zimmermanns. Kent took the first face off opposite Jack and Bitty felt a very unexpected twinge of delight when Kent won the drop and the Aces took off down the ice, Jack chasing after them, although the joy was short lived as Jack got the turnover and skated back up ice, taking the blue line cleanly and, after a one two with Marty, shot the puck between glove hand and pad and lit the lamp for the first time in the game.

Jack grinned and shouted on the screen as his teammates crashed in around him and Bitty waited for the joy he normally felt when Jack scored but it never came. 

*** 

 

The lamp was lit five times in the first period; Jack had a stick in four of them, two goals and two assists, with the other goal going to the Aces.

“Best period of the year Zimmerman,” Coach shouted as he came through the locker room door, “But we’ve two more to go, got to keep up the tempo, push them hard, Parson’s on the ice but he’s not giving them anything and no one else is stepping up.”

The room roared, sticks banging on the floor, and the coaches disappeared into their own little room leaving the players to catch a breath and drink some fluids before the bell rang for the second period.

*** 

 

Having the car wait would have looked too odd, and would have cost more money than he wanted to add to Kent’s bill, but it would have been better for his fear and stress. As it was he signed the account sheet before climbing out of the car with his new suitcase, filled with half a dozen empty holdalls with Aces logos on the side, and watched the car pull away while trying to control his breathing.

There was a risk, he considered, as he walked through the front door of Jack’s apartment building, playing with the key in his pocket, that someone would be in the apartment, Shitty or Holster might have arrived during the day and be lying in wait for him up there or, worse possibly, Jack may have changed the locks meaning he couldn’t get in anyway but he was here now and he wasn’t turning back.

He smiled with relief as his key turned in the lock and he walked into the pitch black hallway knowing, because he knew the sight and sounds of place just like his own, that no one was there and then he tensed at the sudden influx of memories. 

“You can do this Eric, You can do this.” He spoke quietly to himself as he flicked on the hall light and then walked through every door in turn, switching on the lights and, in the living room, the television, unsurprised that the screen powered up on the game.

Four two to Providence the score in the top corner of the screen read and the timer had them ninety eight seconds into the second period as they showed replays of a one on one between Snowy and the Aces number twenty seven which had left Snowy sprawled out, face down on the ice and the Aces fist bumping down the bench. The Falcs were still winning, and there were many reasons, not least being Tater and Snowy, that made Bitty want them to win but, for the first time in the series he didn’t feel sick at the Aces hitting the back of the net and that felt more important right now.

“Kitchen” he said out loud as he unfastened the suitcase and pulled out two holdalls, “Start with the important stuff,” he laughed and turned up the sound of the game so that he could hear it while he worked. 

Working quickly he packed all the equipment he’d brought with him when he came up from Samwell into one bag and filled the other with all the things he’d brought previously or bought and left there over the year. He left the mixer, glass rolling pin and pasta machine Jack had bought him and the extra bakeware and cutlery that he couldn’t identify as his and then he carried both bags to the hall where he opened the closet and pulled out two of his coats, pushing one into each bag to stabilise the contents before he zipped them up and left them by the front door.

It was six to three with just a few seconds left in the second when he checked the score as he retrieved another couple of holdalls from his suitcase to collect his things from the bedroom and he turned the sound down so as to avoid the intermission chat that would almost certainly focus some of its time on Jack given that he’d completed his hatty during the second.

_Don’t forget the bathroom, that shit’s expensive. K_

Bitty jumped when his phone beeped, his stomach turning and his heart rate increasing and, when it went off a second time shortly after, he nearly threw it out of the window on instinct but then he took a breath and decided to face it, whatever or whoever it was.

_Sorry if I scared you. K_

_You didn’t, my phone did! Thanks for the reminder but get back to your game, please don’t let me distract you._

_You are not distracting me. K_

Bitty took the decision not to reply again, time was getting short now and Kent really did need to concentrate on the Aces third period game plan, but he stopped off in the bathroom to collect his shower gel, soap, moisturiser and toothpaste as well as his razor, toothbrush and face cloth and then, with the realisation that Jack had actually been right when he said ‘Kenny doesn’t say things the normal way’, he opened the medicine cabinet and cleared everything but the plasters into his bag before taking a picture of the empty shelves and sending it to Kent.

 

*** 

 

“Game seven hatrick” Marty slapped Jack’s back as he walked into the locker room, “Just when we need something special this fucker delivers!”

“Not done yet,” Jack tried to look serious but he knew he was smiling too much for that. The screen had shown replay after replay of his third, a wrister from the half wall that had gone through three players as if it had eyes, and they’d followed it with the image of Bob picking up Alicia and jumping up and down with her while he pointed to the ‘Zimmermann 1’ on her back and, despite his concerns about where Bitty was, Jack couldn’t help the happiness he felt at not having to worry about photos and videos and the end of game questions about who the blond kid was who was sitting with his parents.

“He’s right,” Coach barked as he followed them into the room, “It’s do or die for them now, they’re going to hit the ice hard and we need to be ready.” 

Jack sat in his stall and listened intently to the coaches, and to the rest of the guys, while he drank his way through a bottle of Gatorade and ate two energy bars. This was it, one period to go and the cup would be theirs. Whatever had happened with Bitty, who, Jack realised, had most likely disappeared because he’d panicked about what it would look like to his parents if he was photographed in the aftermath of the win, he could deal with it when he finally made his way home.

 

*** 

Twenty minutes in the bedroom, making sure that he packed everything of his from the closet, dresser and bedside table but absolutely nothing with Zimmermann on the back, and another check through the coats and shoes in the hall closet left him with six holdalls packed and waiting in the hall by the time there was thirteen minutes to go in the game and his time was really beginning to run out.

The whistle went for a two minute slashing penalty against the Falconers and Bitty crouched next to the screen, pulling his DVD’s from the shelf as he watched the Aces power-play unit set themselves up in the offensive zone and batter fourteen shots at the Falconers net before Kent got a stick between the legs of the defenceman and tipped the fifteenth shot up over the goalie bringing the game to seven five in Providence’s favour.

On the screen Kent hardly reacted to the goal, dragging his teammates back to the bench for a discussion with their coach while the penalty box was opened and the Falconers got a full compliment of forwards back on the ice.

Books and pictures down from the shelves and in the suitcase Bitty glanced around the room, walking from one set of shelves to another, actively avoiding looking at the couch, as he made sure he had everything that he’d ever brought here and nothing that wasn’t his and when he was sure everything was ready he pulled his phone from his pocket and called the number that Kent had given him to order a car.

“I have six bags and a suitcase,” Bitty told the man who answered the phone, “I can carry them down but there’ll need to be space.” 

“The car will have a driver and a passenger Sir; they will assist with you bags.”

“I can carry them,” Bitty was beginning to feel quite anxious, the clock on the game was ticking towards six minutes and, as much as he knew Jack would be busy for a while after the game he would still rather be away before he was even off the ice. “How long will you be?”

“We’re only a few minutes away Sir, we’ll be there as soon as we can.”

 

*** 

‘Just skate, one shift at a time Jack, just skate’. Jack repeated the mantra to himself over and over again, in his head and out-loud, as the seconds ticked by. His shifts passed in a flash while everyone else’s worked in slow motion, the clock not ticking and the Falconers moving slowly while the Aces seemed to be operating in a different stream of time, pushing them hard as the game moved into the last minute, the falconers still one goal up, and the Aces pulling their goalie adding another forward to the rush.

“Hit that empty net Zimmermann,” coach tapped his shoulder for the change and he nodded, shouting ‘lets go’ to his line mates as they jumped the wall and attacked the puck, poking it free from the Aces defence man and hitting from their Blue line towards the empty net to seal the game.

 

*** 

Bitty turned off the TV as Jack struck the puck, his stomach lurching and his heart aching at the sudden thought that the playoffs were over now, the stress gone from Jack’s life for the summer, and he could have had the old Jack back, the one who loved him and cared for him and needed him to make the world around him make sense. 

Staring at himself in the black screen and remembering all their plans for the summer Bitty suddenly startled as he caught sight of the reflection of the couch behind him and he shook his head and rolled his eyes at himself, “He had sex with you on that bloody couch when you were asleep Eric and he thought it was ok because you’d prepared yourself for sex, something you’d only done to protect yourself from the fact that he never took the time to do it after a loss and he always hurt you.” 

He stood and looked at himself a little longer, seeing the sadness, exhaustion and fear written all over his body and finally giving himself permission to really feel it. 

His phone beeped, alerting him to the arrival of his car, so he placed the small bag of shop bought cookies he’d brought with him, and the key that he’d just removed from his keyring, on the middle cushion of the couch, checked that all his bags were out in the corridor, switch off all the lights and walked out through the front door, pulling it closed behind him with a click.


	8. Beyond Samwell

2nd July 2019.

**Eric Bittle: History for the NHL.**

By. Dan James

 

It is an honour to have been invited to the family home of Mr Eric Bittle, the first openly gay Captain in the NCAA and, following his signature to an entry level contract just yesterday, the first openly gay player to be signed to such a contract in the NHL.

Mr Bittle is, of course, the second out player within the NHL, following Kent Parson’s much photographed wedding on his cup day last summer and I wondered, Eric, if you thought that Parson’s decision, to come out at the very top of the game, had made it easier for other players to enter the sport?

 

Offering me a piece of peach and apricot pie, which, when I try to compliment her, his mother assures me he made himself, Eric looks thoughtful for a second before he answers. 

 

“I don’t know really, it’s hard to say what my future would have looked like without Kent but I know that he didn’t make the decision for me or for any person other than himself and his husband which is, of course, the most important thing.” 

After a little more thought, and time for me to enjoy more of his baking skills, Eric continued. 

“The wedding photos took me by surprise I think, mostly because so many players from so many teams were there, you know? So many players already knew Kent was gay before he felt the time was right to tell the press and the public, and they all supported him and were happy to be photographed there and, more importantly than people might think on the outside, they were happy to drink with him on camera even though Hockey players are all extra handsy when drunk.” 

Eric laughed and it suddenly struck me that as much as Parson had made a big decision when he encouraged his guests to share photos and messages throughout the wedding ceremony and reception every hockey player who attended had made an equally big statement in being in them. 

“The pictures of Kent with one arm around his husband and the other around the cup, surrounded by the truly impressive wedding party, most of whom seemed to be desperately trying to avoid touching the cup in case they cursed themselves, gave me some hope that I might just have a chance of getting here.”

The fact that Eric doubted his chances can only have been due to his sexuality, his numbers in the last year have been nothing short of outstanding and his success as Captain of Samwell, both personally and supporting the development of young players, two of whom were drafted first round this summer, are widely reported.

“One thing I am sure about though” Eric continued a little more seriously, “is that Kent was right in the statement he released after his honeymoon. Being closeted can leave you isolated, even from those who love you, and having secrets can put you at risk from people who you would hope would know better. I’m not sure I could face the press in the locker room every day knowing that someone somewhere knew something that I was trying to hide. My game improved last season partly because I stopped worrying and feeling guilty about hiding who I really was from those that mattered most to me.’

I think we would all agree with Eric about the pressure caused to people by carrying secrets. The game, and players’ lives, can only be improved by not having to keep them in order to play. 

 

Having finished my pie while Eric chatted about how supportive his parents have been throughout everything, but especially since last summer when he spoke to them about his sexuality, I changed the subject slightly, 

‘You played with some current NHL players in college yes, and not just your fellow rookies?’

Eric laughed at the question and then smiled proudly, “Our Goalie was stolen by Sharks last year, he did well in his rookie season but we missed him.” Eric smirked at his own description of Chris Chow’s first season which, at a 0.928 save percentage and a 1.94 goal against average in thirty six games, could be considered as rather better than doing well. “The guys who were just drafted have been a pleasure to play with, I hope they make their teams’ rosters but if they go back for another year at Samwell I’ll have an excuse to keep an eye on the team won’t I?” 

He winks and laughs at that and his pride in the achievements of his college teammates is clear to see.

 

I don’t think you need an excuse to do that Eric, your old captain, Jack Zimmerman, kept a close eye on Samwell while making a name for himself in his first year in the league and I know you attended many of his games in last year’s playoffs, how does he feel about this move, did he offer you any advice?

“Honestly Dan,” Eric leant back in his chair and took a bite out of one of the most amazing cookies I have ever been offered at an at home interview before he continued. “I haven’t spoken to Zimmermann since the morning after Providence lost last year in game six. I’m sure he has some thoughts about me being in the league but, from my end, all I can say is that I look forward to meeting him on the ice.”

 

 

 

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you go.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read along, everyone who bulk reads it now its finished and everyone who reads it weeks/months/years from now and thank you to everyone who takes the time to let me know what they think of it :-D
> 
> PB xx

**Author's Note:**

> There is sex with a sleeping person in here, seen from the point of view of both parties. Don't read if this is going to cause you issues.
> 
> I wrote this because I wanted to and I'm happy with how it works through but please don't read it if it's going to trouble you, life is too short to damage your mental health with fic.
> 
> PB xx


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